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THE EFC QUIZ--do you have what it takes?

1. Ready?
a) Yes!
b) Okay.
c) Whatever.
d) Hold it, what's going on? I was going in for training to become a Jem'Hadar first... this IS Caladon Prime, correct? Hello? Who are all of you? Well, as long as I'm here...

2. The Taelons are...
a) aliens with no hair.
b) using us for their own ends.
c) servants of the Dark Lord Sauron.
d) What's a Taelon? Are they bad?

3. The Taelons are...
a) energy-based.
b) carbon-based.
c) chocolate-based.
d) working for PBS and that's why we have Teletubbies and Barney.

4. A skrill is...
a) a sluglike creature that fires energy blasts.
b) a rubber prop that must be uncomfortable when you try to play tennis.
c) a guest on Oprah who reveals the traumatic circumstances of his bioengineering.
d) a variety of flying monkey wearing purple hats.

5. Taelon shuttles...
a) can shift dimensions.
b) look like giant purple bugs.
c) can do keen barrel rolls.
d) serve ice cream if you have frequent flier miles.

6. Da'an is...
a) Schindler.
b) in severe need of a toupee.
c) a god.
d) an evil manipulating Teletubbie.

7. Zo'or is...
a) Hitler.
b) an evil manipulating Teletubbie.
c) in severe need of strong tranquilizers.
d) an orphaned survivor of the Khitomer massacre.

8. Taelons once genetically assimilated...
a) the Kimera.
b) Vejur.
c) Lamb Chop.
d) Gonzo the Muppet.

9. As a Companion agent, you should never say to a Taelon...
a) "You know... they have Rogaine for your problem now."
b) "So, how about that Agent Vickman? Woooooo... oh, sorry. Forgot you aren't a man."
c) "Are the Jaridians more fun than you?"
d) "Come on shake your body baby do the CONGA know you can't control yourself AN-NAY LONGA! WOOH!"

10. What should you never say to a Resistance fighter?
a) "Tag--you're it!"
b) "I give in! I'm on your side now!"
c) "Pathetic earthling scum!"
d) "I'm ready, kill me! Kill me! What do you mean, twist my little finger... OWWWW I'll tell you everything!"

11. Millions of years ago, the Taelon race split apart. Their separated genetic brethren are...
a) the Jaridians.
b) the cast of Star Wars.
c) Romulans.
d) Muppets.

12. The Taelons require total loyalty in their implants. To be a Companion Agent, you must...
a) accept a skrill and a brain implant that makes you smart but takes away your free will.
b) have no free will to begin with.
c) have no social life.
d) be coming out of a reeeeeaallly bad breakup.

13. Ma'el lived on Earth, in Ireland, over two thousand years ago, working to determine humanity's potential. What do you think he was doing?
a) Scouting Earth to see whether humanity was worthy in the Taelons's eyes.
b) Getting reeeeaaaally desperate for a date.
c) Teaching humanity how to make chocolate.
d) His secret ambition was to become "Lord of the Dance." Sadly, he died before achieving his dream.

14. As a Companion agent, you should not...
a) give your Companion a noogie.
b) distribute whoopie cushions on the mothership.
c) use your skrill to impress chicks.
d) run the "Seinfeldathon" on your Companion's datastream.

15. The Resistance is...
a) working against the Taelons.
b) clinically depressed.
c) devoted to peace and love and big kisses.
d) working against the Nazis. Oh wait, wrong Resistance...

16. Jonathan Doors is...
a) a severely disturbed man.
b) a god.
c) an embittered Star Trek extra whose scene got cut.
d) a secret employee of the Jaridian Flying Monkey Brigade.

17. Jaridian probes should be...
a) left in Zo'or's mailbox.
b) used in a prank on your mother-in-law.
c) played with because scientists like pretty green dodecahedronal toys.
d) used for "Russian Roulette."

18. As a Resistance fighter, you should not...
a) tease Augur about his wardrobe, or he may erase your life like Sandra Bullock's.
b) kiss Liam on the hand.
c) play Muzak over the computer system.
d) give Doors a noogie.

19. If you are an undercover agent for the Resistance, you should NOT say to Doors...
a) "Kiss me, I'm Irish."
b) "They tested the truth serum on me today."
c) "I'm in love with Holo-Lili."
d) "I just puked on Augur's computer."

20. When in the Flat Planet Cafe, you should not...
a) wear tasteful clothing.
b) speak in a low voice.
c) openly challenge anyone to a duel.
d) The WHAT Cafe?

21. When piloting a Taelon shuttle, you should not...
a) yawn and stretch.
b) pat your head and rub your stomach.
c) do the Macarena.
d) eat the airline food, which appears to be mashed linoleum.

22. When in front of the Taelon Synod, you do not ask...
a) "Were you all ALWAYS this spineless, or did it take hard work and dedication?"
b) "What's your sign, sweet thing?"
c) "Sure you've eliminated world hunger, but why haven't you solved MY problems?"
d) "If you're so much better than us, then how come you can't watch Kramer without wincing?"

23. When leading a raid for the Resistance, you should not...
a) have your men line up and dance, singing "I Will Remember You."
b) play drums on the trash cans.
c) kiss the Volunteer squad leader.
d) mumble and wring your hands, "It issss my precious... hello, my precioussss.... yesss..."

24. Was that fun?
a) Yes!
b) No!
c) You'll never take me alive!
d) I still don't get what's going on!

Give yourself 2 points for every A answer, 1 point for every B answer, zero points for every C answer, and -1 for every D answer.

50 - 25=You are qualified to become either a Companion agent or a Resistance fighter. But you really need to do something about the flying monkeys.

24 - 10=You can be a Volunteer, but please don't use a skrill if I'm nearby.

9 - 0=You are not qualified, although you can become a Taelonist.

-1 - -25=Not only are you not qualified, but I want you to stay away from me. Far away.

Signs You Are an EFC Fanatic

  1. You try to emulate Da'an's movements
  2. You start looking for small discolorations in your palms, thinking you may be part Kimera
  3. Whenever you see a teletubbie, you laugh and picture it in Zo'or's chair
  4. You try to learn the Taelon language from the Taelon web site
  5. You believe that said web site is of Taelon make
  6. When someone tries to shake your hand, you give the Taelon greeting instead
  7. When someone says Doors, you think of John Doors, not the band
  8. You can correctly pronounce "Sinaui Euhura"
  9. You use said greeting everywhere you go
  10. You have done at least 5 of the things I have just listed, and plan on doing the rest soon

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