This humor is all stuff I couldn't categorize or that wasn't big enough for it's own category. Travel agents and doctors, please take the translation tables good-naturedly. Enjoy!
Top Excuses for missing work
Why DID the chicken cross the road?
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it
crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads, without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road, at the behest of the President of the United States of
America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing
our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the
president's ongoing
and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law.
For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity, provided he co-operates fully with
our investigation.
Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any
Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal
has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit
any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his
feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
BILL GATES:
I have just released Chicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your
checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of Chicken98.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define 'cross' please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him
and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the
chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DA'AN:
You DO see the benefit of the chicken crossing the road to join with the Taelons?
DOORS:
It's an Earth chicken, doggone it. If it wants to cross the road why should an alien tell it no?
LILI:
This chicken knows me, I can help it find it's way back across the road. Keep an open mind.
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT:
By crossing the road, the chicken violated the rights of the road. The road has the right to exist free of
chickens. In order to prevent this great road-arian catastrophe, we have just launced our fighters and they
proceed in bombing the road. We have not, and do not intend to, ask the United Nations' permission. They'll
probably agree later. Bomb the road!
MCCOY:
But Jim! The chicken is dead!
SEVEN OF NINE:
It wanted to rediscover its humanity.
DRAGON MAGE:
The chicken crossed the road to escape from the firebreathing dragon.
ZO'OR:
Do you see that chicken crossing the road? Da'an thinks it's his chicken... but I have secretly replaced it with
one of mine, and it will blow up in about 30 seconds...
AUGUR:
I have replaced Zo'ors chicken with a replica, and it's currently downloading all the data from the mothership
computer...
SANDOVAL:
I am the Companion Protector to Zo'or. You have no right to be here. This road belongs to Taelon territory. Clear
this area immediately, or I will have to use force.
LIAM:
Is that really Da'an's chicken? It looks suspicious to me.
SANDOVAL:
Our job is to follow the orders the Taelons have given us, not to question.
LILI (to Liam):
I've got the chicken, let's run!
ANONYMOUS:
I saw the colonel chasing it with a bucket of batter.
ANONYMOUS:
To get out of the way of that "Murderous, Midget Cabdriver!"
BOONE:
Having the chicken down here is dangerous, Jonathan!
DOORS:
Why did the chicken do this? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY I'M SORRY?
SANDOVAL:
Chickens are not made for love.
ZO'OR:
The chicken will be quite useful in our plans for the planet.
AMANDA:
I expected the chicken to be some ego-crazed maniac, not a...
LIAM:
Da'an, someone I know may have gotten involved with one of Zo'or's projects, codenamed "Chicken."
SCHOOL PRINCIPAL DURING A REALLY LONG BORING ASSEMBLY:
What we have to do is create a safe environment for
all those who wish to be different. All those of all relgions, those of different nationalities, and all chickens who
wish to cross roads... (drones on for three hours until all students want to duck tape him to the ceiling)
SCOTTY:
"We couldn't fix the transporter beam on it!"
HILLARY CLINTON:
It takes a village of chickens to cross the road...
O.J. SIMPOSON:
The chicken and I absolutely, 100% DID NOT cross that road!
PROFESSOR MAXIMILLIAN ARTURO (from SLIDERS):
The chicken did not cross the road, you blistering idiot!!
SANDOVAL:
One way or another, Mr. Doors, you will end up as a roasted chicken in my oven.
ZO'OR:
I take orders from no chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS of KFC:
Put,put,put. Come here little chicken come here...
CAPTAIN SPOCK:
It is completely illogical for the chicken to cross the road.
DR. SPOCK:
If you simply show love the chicken will realize it's mistake and come back on it's own. There is never an excuse
to spank a chicken.
DARTH VADER:
Luke... I am your chicken!
GUL DUKAT:
I can make the chicken strong again... there is no shame in crossing the road, Major. Crossing the
road will bring the chicken back to power, and give it the Alpha Quadrant!
MICHAEL MOORE:
Crackers, the Corporate Crime Chicken, went to see Decoster Egg Farms, which owns farms in
Maine, Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota. The Department of Labor slapped Decoster with $2 million in penalties for
violations of numerous health and safety and wage and hour laws.
KIRK:
I want these chickens off the ship!
SIEGMUND FREUD:
Tell me, when did you first notice that you were a chicken?
SCARLETTE O'HARA:
Oh, Rhett, why would the chicken cross the road? What will it do!? Where will it go!?
RHETT BUTLER:
Quite frankly Scarlette, I don't give a * *.
WALKER TEXAS RANGER:
Chickens don't cross the road in Texas, it's agin the law.
Travel Agent Term .................. TRANSLATION.
Old world charm .................... Room and a path.
Tropical ........................... Rainy.
Majestic setting ................... A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
Options galore ..................... Nothing is included in the itinerary.
Secluded hideaway .................. Directions to locate unclear.
Some budget rooms .................. Sorry, already occupied.
Explore on your own ................ At your own expense.
Knowledgeable trip hosts ........... They've flown in an airplane before.
No extra fees ...................... No extras.
Nominal fee ........................ Outrageous charge.
Standard ........................... Sub-standard.
Deluxe ............................. Barely Standard.
Superior accommodations............. One complimentary chocolate, free shower
cap.
All the amenities .................. Two chocolates, two shower caps.
Plush .............................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
Gentle breezes ..................... In hurricane alley.
Light and airy ..................... No air conditioning.
Picturesque ........................ Theme park nearby.
24-hour bar ........................ Ice cubes at additional cost (when
available).
Says: "This should be taken care of right away." Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..." Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
Says: "We'll see." Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
Says: "Let me check your medical history." Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."
Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
Says: "Hmmmmmmmm." Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)
Says: "We have some good news and some bad news." Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
Says: "Let's see how it develops." Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests." Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."
Says: "How are we today?" Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."
Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." Means: "I don't know what on earth it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound." Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."
Says: "This may smart a little." Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."
Says: "This should fix you up." Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
Says: "Everything seems to be normal." Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
Says: "I'd like to run some more tests." Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I'm off next week."