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Humor in General

This humor is all stuff I couldn't categorize or that wasn't big enough for it's own category. Travel agents and doctors, please take the translation tables good-naturedly. Enjoy!



Top Excuses for missing work

  1. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

  2. My stigmata's acting up.

  3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

  4. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

  5. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

  6. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

  7. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

  8. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

  9. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

  10. I prefer to remain an enigma.

  11. My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

  12. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

  13. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

  14. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

  15. I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

  16. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

  17. My dog ate me.

  18. I was beamed up by the Enterprise.

  19. Giant cockroaches!

  20. My ex has handcuffed me to the doorknob and he won't hand over the key till I write out a check and I'm going broke.

  21. I got locked in the bathroom at the local CVS and it took 2 hours to get me out, so I am now officially contaminated....

  22. Crashed bike into a tree, resulting in severe concussion... loss of memory... who the heck is this?? My boss? I don't have a boss.... well I might but I don't remember so I'm not workin' for you!


    Why DID the chicken cross the road?

    PAT BUCHANAN:
    To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

    DR. SEUSS:
    Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
    To die. In the rain.

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
    I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads, without having their motives called into question.

    GRANDPA:
    In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    ARISTOTLE:
    It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    KARL MARX:
    It was an historical inevitability.

    SADDAM HUSSEIN:
    This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.

    RONALD REAGAN:
    What chicken?

    KEN STARR:
    I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road, at the behest of the President of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity, provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
    To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    FOX MULDER:
    You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

    BILL GATES:
    I have just released Chicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of Chicken98.

    EINSTEIN:
    Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    BILL CLINTON:
    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define 'cross' please?

    LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
    The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

    THE BIBLE:
    And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    COLONEL SANDERS:
    Did I miss one?

    DA'AN:
    You DO see the benefit of the chicken crossing the road to join with the Taelons?

    DOORS:
    It's an Earth chicken, doggone it. If it wants to cross the road why should an alien tell it no?

    LILI:
    This chicken knows me, I can help it find it's way back across the road. Keep an open mind.

    MADELEINE ALBRIGHT:
    By crossing the road, the chicken violated the rights of the road. The road has the right to exist free of chickens. In order to prevent this great road-arian catastrophe, we have just launced our fighters and they proceed in bombing the road. We have not, and do not intend to, ask the United Nations' permission. They'll probably agree later. Bomb the road!

    MCCOY:
    But Jim! The chicken is dead!

    SEVEN OF NINE:
    It wanted to rediscover its humanity.

    DRAGON MAGE:
    The chicken crossed the road to escape from the firebreathing dragon.

    ZO'OR:
    Do you see that chicken crossing the road? Da'an thinks it's his chicken... but I have secretly replaced it with one of mine, and it will blow up in about 30 seconds...

    AUGUR:
    I have replaced Zo'ors chicken with a replica, and it's currently downloading all the data from the mothership computer...

    SANDOVAL:
    I am the Companion Protector to Zo'or. You have no right to be here. This road belongs to Taelon territory. Clear this area immediately, or I will have to use force.

    LIAM:
    Is that really Da'an's chicken? It looks suspicious to me.

    SANDOVAL:
    Our job is to follow the orders the Taelons have given us, not to question.

    LILI (to Liam):
    I've got the chicken, let's run!

    ANONYMOUS:
    I saw the colonel chasing it with a bucket of batter.

    ANONYMOUS:
    To get out of the way of that "Murderous, Midget Cabdriver!"

    BOONE:
    Having the chicken down here is dangerous, Jonathan!

    DOORS:
    Why did the chicken do this? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY I'M SORRY?

    SANDOVAL:
    Chickens are not made for love.

    ZO'OR:
    The chicken will be quite useful in our plans for the planet.

    AMANDA:
    I expected the chicken to be some ego-crazed maniac, not a...

    LIAM:
    Da'an, someone I know may have gotten involved with one of Zo'or's projects, codenamed "Chicken."

    SCHOOL PRINCIPAL DURING A REALLY LONG BORING ASSEMBLY:
    What we have to do is create a safe environment for all those who wish to be different. All those of all relgions, those of different nationalities, and all chickens who wish to cross roads... (drones on for three hours until all students want to duck tape him to the ceiling)

    SCOTTY:
    "We couldn't fix the transporter beam on it!"

    HILLARY CLINTON:
    It takes a village of chickens to cross the road...

    O.J. SIMPOSON:
    The chicken and I absolutely, 100% DID NOT cross that road!

    PROFESSOR MAXIMILLIAN ARTURO (from SLIDERS):
    The chicken did not cross the road, you blistering idiot!!

    SANDOVAL:
    One way or another, Mr. Doors, you will end up as a roasted chicken in my oven.

    ZO'OR:
    I take orders from no chicken!

    COLONEL SANDERS of KFC:
    Put,put,put. Come here little chicken come here...

    CAPTAIN SPOCK:
    It is completely illogical for the chicken to cross the road.

    DR. SPOCK:
    If you simply show love the chicken will realize it's mistake and come back on it's own. There is never an excuse to spank a chicken.

    DARTH VADER:
    Luke... I am your chicken!

    GUL DUKAT:
    I can make the chicken strong again... there is no shame in crossing the road, Major. Crossing the road will bring the chicken back to power, and give it the Alpha Quadrant!

    MICHAEL MOORE:
    Crackers, the Corporate Crime Chicken, went to see Decoster Egg Farms, which owns farms in Maine, Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota. The Department of Labor slapped Decoster with $2 million in penalties for violations of numerous health and safety and wage and hour laws.

    KIRK:
    I want these chickens off the ship!

    SIEGMUND FREUD:
    Tell me, when did you first notice that you were a chicken?

    SCARLETTE O'HARA:
    Oh, Rhett, why would the chicken cross the road? What will it do!? Where will it go!?

    RHETT BUTLER:
    Quite frankly Scarlette, I don't give a * *.

    WALKER TEXAS RANGER:
    Chickens don't cross the road in Texas, it's agin the law.


    Travel Agent Translation Table

    Travel Agent Term .................. TRANSLATION.

    Old world charm .................... Room and a path.
    Tropical ........................... Rainy.
    Majestic setting ................... A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
    Options galore ..................... Nothing is included in the itinerary.
    Secluded hideaway .................. Directions to locate unclear.
    Some budget rooms .................. Sorry, already occupied.
    Explore on your own ................ At your own expense.
    Knowledgeable trip hosts ........... They've flown in an airplane before.
    No extra fees ...................... No extras.
    Nominal fee ........................ Outrageous charge.
    Standard ........................... Sub-standard.
    Deluxe ............................. Barely Standard.
    Superior accommodations............. One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
    All the amenities .................. Two chocolates, two shower caps.
    Plush .............................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
    Gentle breezes ..................... In hurricane alley.
    Light and airy ..................... No air conditioning.
    Picturesque ........................ Theme park nearby.
    24-hour bar ........................ Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).


    What The Doctor Really Means

    Says: "This should be taken care of right away." Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

    Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..." Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

    Says: "We'll see." Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

    Says: "Let me check your medical history." Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

    Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

    Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

    Says: "Hmmmmmmmm." Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)

    Says: "We have some good news and some bad news." Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

    Says: "Let's see how it develops." Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

    Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests." Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

    Says: "How are we today?" Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

    Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

    Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." Means: "I don't know what on earth it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

    Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound." Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."

    Says: "This may smart a little." Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

    Says: "This should fix you up." Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

    Says: "Everything seems to be normal." Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

    Says: "I'd like to run some more tests." Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

    Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

    Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I'm off next week."


    You Know It's A Bad Day When...

    1. Your manager calls you into the office on a Friday.
    2. Every job lead at Lockheed leads to people who are always at offsite/getting the business/CI/etc meetings
    3. Every person you ask for job leads says;"I wish *I* had some job leads"
    4. People you talk to outside of Lockheed say,"You could try company ABC. Oh, but they laid off 25% of their people 3 months ago."
    5. Fellow co-workers on AFR talk *seriously* about jobs at K-Mart.
    6. People in your department greet each other with "How's the job search?" instead of "How's it going?"
    7. There is a 60 minutes crew at your office door.
    8. (Applies mostly to women) You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
    9. Your ex's lawyer calls.
    10. You wake up face-down on the sidewalk
    11. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
    12. You see the "That's Life" team waiting for you in your office
    13. Your twin brother forgets your birthday
    14. You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any
    15. You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city
    16. Your dog actually *does* eat your homework
    17. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
    18. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you remember that you don't have a waterbed
    19. Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
    20. The hail coming down punches a hole in your umbrella
    21. Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
    22. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
    23. You wake up and your braces are locked together
    24. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose
    25. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business
    26. Your blind date turns out to be your ex
    27. Your income tax check bounces
    28. You put both contact lenses in the same eye
    29. Your pet rock snaps at you


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