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Top Ten Pranks at the Jedi Knight Academy

10. Pointing into a crowd and shouting "Hey, it's Palpatine!"
9. 'Egging' the head Jedi Master's personal shuttle.
8. Using the Force to start a food fight in the cafeteria.
7. Wearing a dark helmet, black body armor, and flowing cape to 'Career Day.'
6. Putting an outbuilding on top of the Academy by Force levitation.
5. Removing the power cells from the head Jedi Master's lightsaber.
4. Initiating the 'new guy' by sending him to the cave on Dagobah.
3. Calling people and doing a Vader impersonation.
2. Using the Force to control the ball during a football game.
1. Sticking an "I Love the Emperor" bumper sticker on the school shuttle.


Top Ten Signs You Might be a Future Jedi

10. You know at least one 'crazy, old man.'
9. You buy your electrical appliances from short guys in hooded robes.
8. One of those appliances has a message from a beautiful young women and the plans to a battle base.
7. You live on a desert planet with two suns.
6. You're known as 'The best bush pilot this side of Mos Eisley.'
5. Stormtroopers want to pay you a visit.
4. The aforementioned 'crazy, old man' wants to take you to another planet.
3. The short hooded guys who sell you your electrical appliances are ambushed and your home burned.
2. Your only inheritance from your father is a flashlight.
1. Your best friends are a cocky pilot, a 7'2" hairy guy and your twin sister.


Top Ten 'Famous Last Words' in Star Wars

10. "I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie!" (Leia to Han)
9. "Watch this!" (Han to Luke, Leia and Chewie)
8. "I have you now." (Darth Vader)
7. "=This one's in great shape.=" (Liberal translation- Jawa to Uncle Owen)
6. "=I shall enjoy watching you die.=" (Jabba to Luke)
5. "I think you overestimate their chances." (Grand Moff Tarkin to subordinate)
4. "Alderaan! I can't go to Alderaan!" (Luke to Obi-Wan)
3. "=I've been looking forward to this.=" (Greedo to Han)
2. "I guess your too little to run away on me." (Luke to R2-D2)
1. "And now young Skywalker... You will die." (Emperor to Luke)


Top Ten Signs that Star Wars is Taking Over Your Life

10. Your car is named "Millennium Falcon".
9. You have/had at least one pet named Chewie/Chewbacca.
8. When you get a cut, you look in your medicine cabinet for bacta.
7. You know what bacta is.
6. When asked your car's top speed, you give it in sublight units per standard time part.
5. You've actually tried using the Force.
4. You're given to spontaneous outbursts of "Down with the Emperor!"
3. You kneel before you boss and say "As you wish, my master" when he gives you an assignment.
2. Your favorite outfit is a bathrobe with a flashlight hanging from its belt.
1. You're convinced you father is a black armored megalomaniac and that you have a twin sister somewhere.


How *EEEVIL* are you??

Okay all you Lord of the Sith wannabees...
Just how bad do you think you are?
Fill out the following survey and see if you have the stuff to choke the life out of the universe.

This test will require a No. 2 lead hydrospanner and a black Scantron.
Separate paper will be distributed for the essay section.

Multiple Choice Section:

1. What color is your cape/cloak?
a) White or gray
b) Mauve or fluorescent orange
c) Pure black

2. Describe you voice: a) A mellifluous tenor, radiating peace and light
b) High and squeaky, kind of like the noise generated by hitting a mouse with a mallet
c) Strong and commanding, with deep overtones of control and evil
d) Low enough to shatter windows and gravely as a sea bed, kind of like you'd been hit in the throat by a semi when you were four

3. Describe you Force skills:
a) I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
b) I don't have any Force skills, but I do get good cable reception.
c) I have just enough Force sensitivity to say "I have a bad feeling about this" with authority.
d) I can crush your puny larynx like a grape, you dweeb.

4. An officer under your command informs you that, through his own incompetence, has allowed your Rebel quarry to escape. You:
a) Tell him in a kind, understanding voice that he really should try harder.
b) Give him a blender and do the dance of joy.
c) Fire him and cancel his Christmas bonus.
d) Kill him, then spit on his lifeless body.

5. The *new* officer under you command informs you that, through no fault of his own, the Rebel scum have escaped. You:
a) Pat him on the back and say that you understand, everyone has a bad day now and then.
b) Click your ruby heels together three times and say "There's no place like Burger King, there's no place like Burger King".
c) Commend him for trying and send him back to his post.
d) Kill him, then kick his lifeless body.

6. *His* replacement, through no fault of his own, steps on your toe. You:
a) Smile understandingly and step to the side.
b) Ask him to do it again.
c) Step on his toe.
d) Kill him, then have his body fed to the Rancor.

7. Luke Skywalker is your:
a) Best friend.
b) Dog.
c) Feared persecutor.
d) Arch-enemy. Or son. Your choice.

8. Complete the following sentence: "You are a part of the Rebel Alliance and a...
a) "...really nice guy. I respect you sir."
b) "...chicken. Or was it lizard? I can never remember..."
c) "...traitor. Take her away!"
d) "...corpse. Good riddance." (this is the only one Vader missed)

9. The Emperor calls you his:
a) enemy
b) nephew
c) doormat
d) right hand

10. Which portion of the body do you prefer to crush and squeeze with the Force?
a) None, I give loving hugs.
b) the bladder
c) the heart or brain
d) All of them, but the trachea if I'm just practicing.

Optional xenobiology section:
-What alien species would you most like to exterminate?
a) Hutts
b) Tribbles
c) Ewoks
d) Non-humans

Optional navigation section:
-You have the fastest ship in the galaxy. How fast can you do the Kessel run?
a) 12 parsecs
b) 12 liters
c) 12 days
d) 12 Rebel corpses

Optional Jedi Knight section:
-What is the power of this technological terro insignifigant beside?
a) The power of the Force.
b) The power only wet suction can muster.
c) The power of *that* technological terror.
d) The power of me.

Essay:
You are trapped, alone, on a deser planet. What five things do you take with you, and who do you kill with them?


a) You are a rebel wimp. But you'll make a nice 'present' for those who pass.
b) Who are you and why are you taking this test?! Report to the mines of Kessel!
c) You have the cold-blooded ruthlessness to rise high in the Empire. Good luck!
d) You are a Dark Lord of the Sith. Go kick some Rebel butt.


THE TEST THEY GAVE ANAKIN OFF-SCREEN

1. When confronted with an enemy, you...
a) play possum.
b) spit in his eye.
c) run away like Monty Python.
d) I didn't sign up for this test. I signed up for "Starfleet captains in training". This IS Section B, Deck Twelve, correct? Hello? Who are all of you? Oh well, as long as I'm here...

2. Your lightsaber's blade color should be...
a) red.
b) green.
c) an intense yet somehow soothing shade of fluorescent orange.
d) The dang thing won't start up!

3. When you look out the windows of the Jedi Temple, you should see...
a) about a billion buildings.
b) a place where many races work and live together in harmony.
c) an enviromentalist's nightmare.
d) I'm too short to look out the windows.

4. The Sith are...
a) extinct.
b) on vacation.
c) working for PBS.
d) What are the Sith?

5. If your Padawan apprentice annoys you, you...
a) tell him that you understand and everybody makes mistakes.
b) tell him that his days are numbered if he doesn't bug off.
c) swat him firmly yet affectionately with your lightsaber.
d) choke him to death with the Force.

6. When meeting the Jedi Council, you should not say...
a) "I have to go to the bathroom, Master."
b) "He IS the chosen one!"
c) "Master Yoda, have you ALWAYS looked like that?"
d) "I have a sudden hankering for black body armor and breathing masks..."

7. The age limit for becoming a Jedi is...
a) six months.
b) a year.
c) nine years old.
d) a week from Tuesday.

8. When your Master does something you disapprove of, you...
a) tell him that you understand and everybody makes mistakes, even if he makes more than usual.
b) tell him that his days are numbered if he doesn't do what you want.
c) whine constantly and hope he caves in.
d) choke him to death with the Force.

9. As an ambassador of peace, you...
a) tell both sides that they're idiots.
b) sit there and suck your thumb.
c) converse with their droids because it's obvious nobody's ever actually going to talk to YOU.
d) whine for your teddy bear.

10. In a lightsaber duel, you...
a) do a lot of jumping and spinning.
b) lunge in without restraint.
c) turn to the dark side.
d) get killed.

11. When you build a lightsaber, you...
a) use it as a flashlight.
b) give yourself injuries.
c) discover that batteries are not included.>BR? d) You mean I have to BUILD it?

12. If you encounter a pathetic life-form, you...
a) run away like Monty Python.
b) take it under your wing.
c) ask it for directions.
d) Who are you calling pathetic?

13. If your Master tells you to hide during a battle, you hide...
a) in a closet.
b) in a bathroom stall.
c) in the cockpit of a very active fighter.
d) under a desk.

14. When reporting to the Jedi Council, you do not...
a) refer to any figure of authority as "babelicious".
b) make comments about your Padawan's eating habits.
c) take the opportunity to show off your new double-bladed lightsaber.
d) You mean I have to REPORT?

15. The favorite sport of a Jedi is...
a) fencing.
b) high-diving into melting pits.
c) podracing.
d) I prefer poker.

16. You were trained by...
a) Mace Windu
b) Yoda
c) Qui-Gon Jinn
d) Monty Python

17. A Jedi does not...
a) make comments on the ridiculous hairstyles of planetary leaders.
b) podrace.
c) cut his hair, unless he's a Padawan.
d) drink and drive.

18. If your Padawan accidently insults a planetary leader, you...
a) assure the leader that he didn't mean it.
b) tell your Padawan that you know he didn't mean to offend and you're going to kill him if he ever goofs it like that again. c) ignore it and hope nobody notices.
d) ask, "Since when is it a crime to say, 'Hi, y'all'?"

19. A Jedi must have...
a) patience.
b) a lightsaber.
c) pigheadedness.
d) long hair.

20. When meeting the Jedi Council, you should not ask...
a) "Master Yoda, who taught you to cook?"
b) "Why are any of us here?"
c) "Would anyone mind terribly if I run to my room to tape 'The Search For Spock'?"
d) "My master told you about the incident with the lightsaber and the cat, didn't he? He didn't?"

21. A lightsaber is not used to...
a) brand cattle.
b) burn graffiti into walls.
c) cut your own bangs.
d) impress chicks.

22. As a Padawan, you should never ask your master...
a) "Master, were you ever attacked by your girlfriend's big brother?"
b) "Master, why do I have a little braid?"
c) "Master, how old were you when you got your driver's license?"
d) "Master, why don't we ever go anyplace FUN?"

23. If you ever encounter a Sith in battle, you should...
a) beg for mercy.
b) attack him valorously.
c) run like Monty Python.
d) What's a Sith?

24. If you battle a Sith, you should tell the Jedi Council...
a) "Don't worry, he was a wimp."
b) "I'm scared out of my pants."
c) "My only conclusion can be that it was a Sith Lord."
d) "Master, what's a Sith?"

25. As a Jedi, you...
a) protect the defenseless.
b) wear a brown cloak.
c) use the Force.
d) run away like Monty Python.


TOP TEN PROBLEMS ON THE WAY TO CORUSCANT

10. "Master, was this thing that fell out of the hyperdrive important?"
9. A sudden outbreak of chicken pox.
8. The Queen's wardrobe emits fatal radiation.
7. Jar Jar requiring a bedtime story.
6. "THE ENGINE'S COMING OFF!"
5. "Jem'Hadar fighters at two o'clock!"
4. Constant calls from Chancellor Valorum, who wants the Queen's opinion of his wife's hairstyle.
3. A sudden outbreak of the "black oil."
2. Anakin steals Qui-Gon's comlink and sends recordings of deep breathing to Yoda.
1. "What do you MEAN, we're going in the wrong direction?"


TOP TEN SECRETS QUI-GON HASN'T TOLD THE COUNCIL

10. He already HAS a second Padawan.
9. He's dating Yaddle.
8. He's plotting to replace Jedi robes with shorts and T-shirts.
7. He has a secret crush on Major Kira; has erected a shrine to her in his quarters complete with life-size poster.
6. He has a fetish for kilts.
5. He's Irish.
4. He likes to egg pedestrians out the Temple windows.
3. He meets up regularly with the Lone Gunmen.
2. His Darth Maul T-shirt.
1. He has to journey to Mount Doom to destroy the One Ring.


TOP TEN STAR WARS TV SHOWS

10. "Cooking with Yoda." The tiny Jedi Master shares his secrets! Plus, how to make sushi with a lightsaber!
9. "How to Gamble Successfully for Fun and Profit" starring Watto.
8. "How to Give Yourself a Makeover" starring Jabba the Hutt. Imagine what he looked like BEFORE.
7. "Out of Tatooine" Luke Skywalker tells of the tragic crop failures that led him to leave Tatooine in search of a new life on another planet. Narrated by Qui-Gon Jinn.
6. "Biography: Darth Maul." The ferocious Sith's shocking reasons for turning bad and tattooing his face. Are the horns real? Find out...
5. "Special: Rise to the Top Without Getting in Trouble" starring Palpatine. The mild-mannered senator shows you how to lie, trick and smile your way to success, fame and fortune without absorbing any blame.
4. "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" starring Chewbacca as the replacement regular Chewie Dax.
3. "Mystery!" starring Obi-Wan Kenobi as the innocent apprentice who is locked in the Temple with twelve other Jedi, one of whom is a murderer.
2. "Touched by a Jedi" starring Qui-Gon Jinn. The studly Jedi Master helps pathetic life-forms in horrible situations.
1. "The J-Files" Qui-Gon Mulder and his skeptical apprentice Obi-Wan Scully investigate the paranormal. Also starring Mace Skinner and Darth Cancerman.


SCENES CUT FROM THE PHANTOM MENACE

10. Qui-Gon doing the victory dance in front of Watto.
9. Padme buys a tribble in Mos Espa...
8. A brief sequence in which a Borg tries to assimilate Threepio.
7. Padme shooting wamprats on her T-16.
6. Qui-Gon getting in touch with his inner child... and boy is his inner child immature!
5. Qui-Gon dodging Tatooine journalists who want to get an interview with a Jedi Master.
4. The annual Jedi Scrabble Tournament.
3. Two scenes devoted to Watto's love life.
2. Yoda's salsa dancing.
1. Obi-Wan's "Lord of the Dance" number.


Obi-Wan mentioned "trials" to become a full-fledged Jedi Knight? What do those trials involve, hmm?

1. You need to run through a steamy swamp with Yoda on your back. If no steamy swamp is available, just run through a poorly-ventilated pool bathroom.
2. Eat fifteen pizzas without throwing up.
3. Listen to the entire "Chipmunks' Christmas Album" without suffering a fatal brain seizure.
4. Get in and out of a snowsuit without assistance.
5. Be locked in a small bathroom with a malfunctioning ice machine. ("Please let me out of here!" "You're doing fine, Padawan! Only five more minutes!" "I'm not going to live that long! Unlock the door, please!")
6. Listen to Yoda's karaoke attempts. ("Next I sing 'Auld Lang Syne'")
**** THEN, you must say the words:

"As a Jedi Knight, a guardian of peace, a defender of justice, I will..."

always defend those who cannot defend themselves, unless I can't defend myself, in which case I will need defense, please.

do my chicken dance on request.

respect the Council, no matter how idiotic their decisions.

wear brown and beige, no matter how bad I look in them.

use the Force only for defense, never attack--with the possible exception of traffic jams.

be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

learn how to drive before I get my license.

sit in a cave on Dagobah and hope that nothing poisonous bites me.

learn how to blow bubble gum.

do a lot of anguished yelling if anyone I know dies.

learn how to levitate rocks--why rocks need to be levitated is beyond me.

learn patience--get on with it.

be reckless and impatient--it irritates the heck out of Yoda. ****
"As a Jedi Knight, a guardian of peace, a defender of justice, I will NOT..."

ever wear a Carmen Miranda outfit.

use my lightsaber as a flashlight.

wear feathers.

wear an orange flightsuit.

use the mind-trick to overcome the obstacles of life.

babysit.

drink jolt cola before lightsaber training.

paint Trill dots on my neck as a show of my devotion to Dax.

dance the Macarena.

eat chocolate until I get sick.


TOP TEN LINES QUI-GON IRRITATES THE COUNCIL WITH

10. "The truth is out there."
9. "I know I said that the previous one was the last pathetic life-form, but I found another one and this one REALLY IS the last one."
8. "All your mothers wear army boots."
7. "Now THAT is a matter of opinion!" (Obi-Wan had to get it from someone, didn't he? *giggle giggle*)
6. "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... one billion bottles of beeeeeeer..."
5. "Why is it always MY fault?"
4. "Dum-de-dum-de-dum... I'm not listening to yooooouuuu... dummm dummm dummm...."
3. "I have to go to the bathroom."
2. "Would you believe I was brainwashed?" 1. "Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here."


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This page was last updated November 27, 1999.