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Music Humor

Hi! This is my page of musical humor. If you play an instrument and/or sing, please take this good-naturedly. I play the flute and piano myself. Enjoy!


(In Score Order)


How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutes playing a unison.

What's the difference between and oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline.
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarienet.

What do you call a bass clarienetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a tenor sax?
You can tune the lawnmower. And the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

How many sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions--an in-tune tenor sax, and out-of-tune tenor sax, or Santa Clause?
The out-of-tune sax! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and the others to tell him how much better they could have done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone but doesn't.

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The singer may have been on the way to a recording.

What's the range of the tuba?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" x 3 1/2"

Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. (They have machines to do that now.)

What does a timpanist say when he gets his gig?
"Would you like fries with that, ma'am?"

What did the timpanist get on his IQ test?
Drool.

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.

Why are pianists' fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violist like a Scud missle?
Both are fast AND innacurate.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

How do you know if a viola section is at your door?
Nobody knows when to come in.

What's the difference between a viola and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over the whole not and mark it solo.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

What's the difference between a cello and a violin?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has a corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

A bass player we know was so bad, even the section noticed.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

How does a soprano change a light bulb?
She just holds it and the whole world revolves around her.

What's the difference between a soprano and the P.L.O.?
You can negotiate with the P.L.O.

What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...it would be a good idea.

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

Why are conductors hearts coveted for transplant?
They've had so little use.

Musician calls symphony office to talk to conductor. Is told conductor is dead. Calls back 25 times. Same message. Receptioniest asks why musician keeps calling. Musician answers, "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipes walk when they play?
It's harder to hit a moving target, and besides, they want to get away from the noise.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.


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This page was last updated November 28, 1999.
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