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The Starfleet Test--do you have what it takes?

1. Ready?
a) Yes, sir!
b) I guess so.
c) Whatever.
d) Where am I? What's going on?

1. If you encounter an aggressive ship from an alien race friendly to the Federation blasting an innocent unknown ship, you...
a) fire on both ships' weapons systems and tell them to shape up.
b) scootle away because it's not your business.
c) vaporize 'em both.
d) Hold it, where I am I? I signed up for the Jedi prep course, this IS the Jedi Temple, right? Who are all of you?
Hello? Well, as long as I'm here...

2. During a diplomatic mission to bring a planet into the Federation, you are required to wear a Carmen Miranda outfit and dance the flamenco. You...
a) wear it because you respect the traditions.
b) refuse to wear it because it's the most idiotic tradition you've ever been subjected to.
c) Laugh hysterically and roll on the floor.
d) Are we talking about a MAN wearing that?

3. You are sent to make peace between two warring planets who have each attacked a Federation colony in an effort to destroy the other. When meeting with the alien leaders, you...
a) quietly tell both of them that you fully understand and peace is possible.
b) call them a couple of pathetic losers.
c) Ask the Klingons to conquer them.
d) Begin speaking randomly in French and try to confuse them.

4. A Cardassian cruiser attacks a Federation freighter not too far away. You...
a) ease into the situation and hope to reach a diplomatic solution.
b) go in with phasers blasting.
c) throw up in despair.
d) Who are the Cardassians? Are they bad?

5. As a part of an alien ritual, you are required to drink a disgusting drink that resembles bloodwine with lumps of pudding in it. You...
a) choke it down.
b) pour it into a potted plant or a nearby housepet.
c) throw up.
d) proclaim that you're allergic to noxious radioactive waste products.

6. The leader of a band of ruthless terrorists offer to have you and your starship join their pirate band. You respond...
a) "Starfleet rules prohibit that!"
b) "Get lost, greasy."
c) "Sorry, I'm already a smuggler of Orion animal women."
d) "What's the pay?"

7. The Klingons are...
a) warriors.
b) peacemakers.
c) all female.
d) bunnies.

8. The Borg are...
a) evil assimilating automatons with no conscience or mercy.
b) no match for the power of the Force.
c) very ugly.
d) big fans of "Lost in Space."

9. The Vulcans are...
a) logical.
b) loud-mouthed and obnoxious.
c) pink-haired.
d) given to dancing the Macarena.

10. The Cardassians are...
a) misunderstood.
b) evil totalitarian scum.
c) peace-loving hippies.
d) given to wearing plastic shirts.

11. The Ferengi are...
a) money-grubbing little twits.
b) warriors.
c) neurotic little hippies.
d) the flying monkeys in "The Wizard of Oz."

12. The Federation is...
a) a peaceful alliance of planets that work side-by-side for mutual benefit.
b) too pushy and whiny.
c) a nice vacation spot.
d) full of creepy Starfleet admirals with weird voices.

18. The Dominion is...
a) an empire of evil changelings, creepy diplomats, and genetically-engineered warriors.
b) a peaceful alliance.
c) an insurance company.
d) a vast army of flying monkeys.

19. The Jem'Hadar are...
a) savage genetically-engineered warriors with no free will.
b) large and ugly.
c) peace-loving and docile to the point of cowlike.
d) in serious need of a bath.

20. On the sides of each Federation starship are two...
a) nacelles.
b) sausages.
c) Klingons.
d) flash cameras.

21. At the front of each Federation starship is the...
a) saucer section.
b) plate section.
c) bowling alley and ice cream stand.
d) flying monkeys from "The Wizard of Oz."

22. The USS Enterprise is what class?
a) Constitution-class.
b) Galaxy-class.
c) First-class.
d) Coach, with little kids yelling in the back and bad airline food.

23. The USS Defiant is what class?
a) Defiant-class.
b) Titanic-class.
c) Millennium-Falcon-class.
d) Pancake-class.

24. Klingon Birds-of-Prey look...
a) nothing like birds of prey!
b) like big green seagulls.
c) like my aunt's parakeet.
d) like Christmas tree ornaments.

25. Romulan warbirds look...
a) big and green.
b) invisible because they have cloaking devices.
c) like they have huge noses on the front.
d) What the heck is a warbird?

26. An admiral makes an idiotic decision that turns the ship's computers into spaghetti. You...
a) spit in his face.
b) disdainfully rip the combadge from his chest while he snivels on the floor.
c) slap him with a glove and challenge him to a duel.
d) yell over the com system, "HEY, GUESS WHAT THE ADMIRAL DID!"

27. Never refer to a superior officer as...
a) "possessing the IQ of a Pakled."
b) "clinically dead but still upright."
c) "addicted to chocolate."
d) "babelicious."

28. You can take command when a superior officer...
a) claims that he's Saint Patrick.
b) steals the helmsman's girlfriend.
c) accidently drinks an alien ambassador after mistaking him for a martini.
d) You mean I can take COMMAND?

29. You are asked by a young and inexperienced ensign why you are choosing to pursue an alien warship rather than holding back. You reply...
a) "Ensign, is it not your job to steer the ship? Yes? And is it not MY job to give the orders? What do you mean, no?"
b) "That's for me to know and you to find out."
c) "Mind your own beeswax!"
d) "Men, club Ensign Bruckley, please."

30. It is a good idea to refer to a superior officer as...
a) "intelligent."
b) "married."
c) "technically alive."
d) "standing right behind you."

31. You should not tell a superior officer...
a) "No, sir."
b) "Stuff it up yours, sir."
c) "Nyahhh nyah nyah nyah!"
d) "Dance! Dance! HAHAHAHAHA!" while firing at the officer's feet.

32. A command uniform is...
a) red.
b) white.
c) blue.
d) a bright yet somehow soothing fluorescent orange.

33. As a Starfleet officer, you are NOT allowed to...
a) wear a Carmen Miranda outfit.
b) wear a chicken suit.
c) wear anything that is a bright yet somehow soothing shade of fluorescent orange.
d) wear anything at all.

34. A security or engineering uniform is...
a) blue.
b) striped.
c) a peculiar shade of baked orange.
d) greasy.

35. Your combadge should be...
a) on your chest.
b) on your torso somewhere.
c) on the ship you are serving on.
d) on the last shore leave planet your ship visited.

36. A medical or counselor's uniform is...
a) blue.
b) polka-dotted.
c) a pecular shade of purple.
d) very bloody.

37. Your rank pips should be...
a) lined up neatly on your collar.
b) in a line on your collar, straight or not.
c) somewhere on your shirt, never mind your collar.
d) under your pillow.

38. A Starfleet uniform should not be...
a) left on the floor.
b) left draped over the captain's chair.
c) sold to criminals intending to use it for evil purposes.
d) left on any primitive planet as a magical piece of cloth from the Ones-Who-Shimmer.

39. A transporter...
a) is a device that takes apart a person and puts them back together elsewhere.
b) is a handy little gadget.
c) glows and hums.
d) Dear Santa, I want a transporter!

40. A warp drive propels a starship faster than...
a) light.
b) a speeding bullet.
c) a computer error.
d) I can't stand to go faster than 75 mph.

41. A phaser fires...
a) a beam of energy.
b) a special effect.
c) a steady stream of nickels.
d) I surrender!

42. In sickbay, your main diagnostic console shuts down in the middle of a battle. Wounded are coming in. You...
a) valiantly rewire the console in an effort to make it work.
b) wail over the com system for the engineer.
c) shout, "I'm a doctor, not a techie!"
d) I don't want to be a doctor, I want to be a captain.

43. When the ship is at warp, the viewscreen shows...
a) stars streaking past.
b) dancing balls of colored light.
c) the annual Vulcan chess contests.
d) "Schinder's List."

44. The ship's sensors...
a) never work when you want them to.
b) can detect a nebula if you work on them for six months.
c) are made of chocolate and maraschino cherries.
d) still haven't found my combadge that I lost last week, and it's the last combadge they're going to let me have for three more months, and I really really need it.

45. When a warp core overloads, it...
a) explodes.
b) is hopefully ejected before it explodes.
c) hiccups.
d) turns into chocolate.

46. You go to a replicator and order a cheese sandwich, but it gives you a mass of reeking, funky-smelling goo and toast. You...
a) attempt to repair it.
b) call the engineer and wander away.
c) punch it and say a bad word.
d) eat the cheese sandwich because your mother made worse.

47. You use the transporter, but it deposits you on the starbase without your clothes. You...
a) act like a dignified professional.
b) say a bad word.
c) giggle helplessly.
d) run away shrieking and trying to cover yourself with a tricorder.

48. After you and an away team are ambushed, you realize that your tricorder did not register the attackers. You...
a) take it apart to see what the problem was.
b) smack it and say a bad word.
c) smash it.
d) dunk it into a puddle to teach it a lesson.

49. As an engineer, you start up the warp drive. Unfortunately, it hurls you into another galaxy. How do you explain this to the captain?
a) With a lot of technobabble?
b) "We just do it again, aimed back at OUR galaxy."
c) "I made a mistake, okay? It happens to everybody, right?"
d) "Please don't hurt me, sir."

50. The Prime Directive says that you should not interfere with the social development of...
a) primitive societies.
b) anybody we don't know yet.
c) weird short people.
d) crabs.

51. If, during an away mission on a primitive planet, you are captured by the alien residents, you...
a) grin big and say, "Hello! Greetings! We come in peace!"
b) point to yourself and the alien in front of you and say slowly, "Me... Tarzan... you... Jane."
c) grab the person next to you and chirp, "Oh look, honey! Natives! Take a picture, quick!"
d) run screaming into the underbrush.

52. You are brought before an alien chieftain. You...
a) refuse to speak because it would violate the Prime Directive.
b) try to communicate in sign language.
c) babble in baby-talk so he can't understand a word.
d) say, "Sorry, Man Friday, no can do. The Federation, a vast alliance of planets, has this fleet that commands me not to say anything about us or the fact that there are worlds other than this one."

53. As a gift, you present the alien chieftain with...
a) a large unshatterable multicolored sculpture.
b) a tricorder, under the impression that they can't hurt themselves with it.
c) an ensign.
d) an admiral in a cage.

54. In return, the alien chieftain offers you two of his wives. You...
a) explain patiently that you cannot accept his wives because of your own beliefs and laws.
b) titter nervously.
c) run away like Monty Python.
d) say, "Sorry, my man, but my wife would kill me if I accepted."

55. You are congratulated by an admiral for bringing these extremely primitive people into friendship with the Federation. How do you respond?
a) "Thank you, sir!"
b) "Whatever."
c) "It was nothing, sir. Really..."
d) "We were captured. THEY drew up the treaty, sir."

56. You leave the chieftain's hall...
a) in a respectful yet dignified manner.
b) via the transporter.
c) on your knees.
d) with a wink at the chieftain's daughter.

57. A Starfleet officer...
a) defends the Federation, seeks out new life and new civilizations, goes boldly where no one has gone before.
b) serves on a starship.
c) wears a uniform.
d) evidently knows very little about the way my mind works.

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This page was last updated November 28, 1999.